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| Source of image: google.com |
I cannot see a sun anymore. The Ra God has let me down, again. Maybe it is because of the weather but I am sure my street itself has not experienced any ray of sunshine for some time being and I miss it. I terribly miss it. No sparkle 'redish' in my cheekbones and I need to write. I must write my feelings only that this certain moment is not the perfect timing of the day. There is a project somewhere on my desktop that screams after me to be dealt with already. Outside is pouring rain, literally raining cats and dogs. It must be the weather. Oh, dear! How I miss that sunshine and that tanned skin of mine, raising the glass up screaming 'Yamas!' Wish I could go back and observe the beauty of being away, again. I must admit I actually had no spare time to compete with my dazzling adventurous mind, full of ideas, but none to be achieved at least till the end of my journey. Three full months and a bit of more days working my fingers to the bone, pleasing others, sometimes even crying out my heart in my oddly chamber with no door to cover up the noise of sad music. Now, when I look back, I feel sick and disappointed. Why so? I just did not do the things I wanted to do just because I was a child. Only a child would stay and sleep during the day when you have so many amazing things to visualize outside of your chamber.. Only a child would cry after somebody. Being away from home and yet to be at home everywhere you are is just a righteous idea of my own personality. Finding the way to enjoy oneself is seriously strenuous and rather engaging. Even when you want to leave somewhere that you might think would be a 'new beginning', it simply will not be fulfilled. Just because there is that 'somebody' that will always occupy and has for some time being occupied your heart. It's like a hurricane that destroys your home. You have worked so hard on your house that one day everything might get broken up in pieces..
Even though I think it is not worth the thought, I am a woman. I am indulged into several fights with my own being. Then, when you find that 'somebody', you try to change. Let me tell you something - it doesn't work! No matter how hard you try, at one point, when that 'somebody' will be comfortable enough to share his/her feelings, your own personality will reveal little by little! Stop hiding yourself! You wear a mask for someone only because it must be fancier this way! Why should he/she fall in love with you the way you are? No! You must be childish enough into change into somebody you definitely are NOT.
And then what? I tell you so. Then there comes almost two years where you get sick even of yourself! You get sick of the people around you, you get sick of the only person that cares, and return to the OLD YOU.
Thinking about another two years spent in the same place, same study, slightly different people, the place you had your first mature experience and swore 2 years ago that after that, will start a new beginning in a totally worthy place! Not happened. Why are these things keep happening to me? Why must I cope with the same situation all over again? I must start loving, but it is a hell of a challenge. I must start hating, but indeed it is one hell of a challenge that I, myself would not be capable of.. STOP! I am starting to feel anger every single minute of the past few days, maybe week? I don't even count anymore!
There is a mash in my head..mashed potatoes I said - not that there is not enough at canteen - just because I want a simple life and I am COMPLICATING it !
I want to be happy ! I want my boyfriend to love me every minute of his life, to be attentive when it comes to birthdays, name days, events, parties, when I am sad - to make me HAPPY! When I feel anger, either to stay away from me if he knows he cannot cope with me, either just hug me! A man is said to be logic. Where is the logic in that? Where is the man from old ages that offers flowers to a lady? That gives everything and doesn't need anything in return! (there is a polite phrase that I, myself do not believe it, but the idea of is hidden beneath the answer). I believe a man is the tree of a family, of a couple, since he is born. I believe a woman deserves so many when she gives nothing else but LOVE in return! When she thinks about her man every single minute, when she cares enough to ask if something happened. Apparently, men think that if you offer something 'big', they will offer you everything in return and you can treat her equally! No! You may not, excuse me NEVER, treat HER, as a WOMAN, equally, just because you are a MAN and should have the dignity to stand up as a MAN and treat her as a MAN !
Treat your woman with love and respect, and you will be given everything in return!
I expect and I understand fully the mood of one another, but when it comes to communicating, I simply do not understand - there is always a barrier of communication between couples. There are always TEARDROPS, ANGER, SADNESS.
Why does it ALWAYS need to be like this?
Because nowadays, I repeat: because of PEOPLE, nothing will be the same. Nobody will think like a gentleman, no other woman will have respect for herself. No other friend will NOT laugh of your sadness, no other human being will try to HELP someone to be HAPPY !
As I was writing in the beginning, I cannot see any ray of sun, but soon, when everything will end, I will always remember the sunshine my mother, father and then my little brother..have brought to me since the moment I was born, when I was sad, when everything happened for a reason - especially the priority reason that I have an amazing family!
Now.. slowly, but with a powerful aim to finish what I had in mind and planned for today.. I return to my small but happy room where I have spent most of my time in these two important years of my education..
Have a lovely day and do not forget to make yourself HAPPY, if someone else won't!
Tons of love,
R.