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Feel alive

Source of image: google.com
Feeling sick to my stomach but although everything is working just fine, I still have doubts. Of course I have them, who wouldn't have in my place?
I just want to feel alive, again.
At this very own moment, my thoughts are running wildly randomly and versatile. I have only one will: to leave and never come back. It sounds so doleful, but this is my mood: heavy hearted and you know what is great? That it will not go away sooner or later.. I dreamt of light and pinky skies although I hate pink. I dreamt of so many wonderful things but when I say 'dream' I can tell you for sure that I am acquainted to a fact called 'life'.I've experienced more in my life than I merely wished for.I've been through a lot of nagging and painful undergo's but they never tired me up, on the contrary, they kept my batteries fully charged. I guess that until life learns you a lesson that you shall never forget, you remain a child and all the controversial stuff are meaningless. I have never in my life felt something so profoundly changed about me, both, in and out. In other words, 'maturing' which most people around me do not even encounter the meaning of it. B.F.L.(big fat lesson) learned. Now what? Now..time will decide what is best for me. And time is the best solution for everything. Moreover, one day passes by another pretty fast, exactly how I wish it would..
Oh, how I would love to turn my clock backwards and change some things I have mistaken in my 'sinful' life.. How I'd wish to feel different at this second and not lose faith in people. How'd that be.. purple feelings and crappy mournful, deadly stuff with a twinkle at the end of the tunnel. Every secret I have pulled off and every tear I have torn would know better. But no, God knows my feelings better than anyone else. But He is not a human for I am just a marionette in this cruelty. 'All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages.' I and I and of course, only I am the paradox of this meaningful but such creative bliss of age. Blissful bliss and darkness in vanity, things you will never understand. Because I am me, myself and I. One person with billions of faces and reactions and because my brain allows it. I wish this, for that, I get it. I wish that, for this, I get it. I think if you read these you will probably think I'm turning bald. *laughing* No, I'm just creating my own protection and my own identity, because until now, I have never thought I could be 'alone in the dark'. Guess what..I can and I will. I must succeed and for that, I must excel!
 
'Never make a girl a promise if you know you can't keep it!' 

XoXo, 
Roxanne.

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